You may have noticed I’ve been pretty silent for the last few weeks. I’m not sure what to write, for once. Lately I’ve been feeling stumped. The world is a crazy place these days, and my fear is that it’s only the beginning. It doesn’t feel right to ignore what’s on everyone’s minds everywhere in the world. I can’t bring myself to write “10 Tips To Get Your Kids To Eat Their Vegetables” when loving families are being torn by differing opinions, political views, health, and fear.
Over the past few weeks, my faith, family, and my mental health have certainly been tested. I’m not even sure where to begin. This is going to be one hell of a ramble, but here it goes.
The Accident
On August 12th, I was in a car accident that caused all the airbags in my vehicle to deploy. I was hit by another vehicle merging into my lane in one-way traffic. The collision was hard and fast, and I never saw it coming. I remember thinking “why is it so dark in here?” as my airbags covered every window in the vehicle blocking out the sunlight.
My leg was hot through my jeans and it smelled like firework residue all around me, but somehow I was able to bring my car safely to the side of the road and walk away unscathed. I have thanked God every day since then that my kids weren’t in the car with me. The side of the vehicle where my baby boy sat hours before the collision was crushed in, and I had to push through hanging airbags to retrieve my belongings before the tow truck hauled my car away to be demolished.
As unfortunate and stressful as it was to deal with this accident, the silver lining is that it forced me into prayer mode. A mode I wish I lived in daily and not just when it hits me in the face like a ton of bricks. Little did I know, I was going to be talking to Jesus a whole lot more as summer came to a close.
The Sweet Girl
The week following the accident, our dog Lucy started showing signs of what we thought was a minor eye infection. It quickly took a turn for the worse and she had to make an emergency visit to our vet. She was put on 4 antibiotics and the vet was unsure of the cause of such a nasty infection.
At an appointment on Friday of that same week, our vet started discussing our options for removal of the eye or euthanasia. We decided to give the antibiotics a chance to work, and we became so hopeful when her infection started clearing up and she regained vision in that eye. She was lethargic, but we remained optimistic that everything would be okay in time.
The World As We Know It
Throughout the month of August, the corporation that I work for rolled out new policies and incentives in favor of the covid vaccine. Though I understand their reasoning, the increasing push leaves me feeling uneasy. I don’t agree with medical freedom being taken away from individuals in this “free country”, especially when there is still so much unknown. Maybe I’m naïve, but I did not anticipate the extent of societal pressures and tension surrounding vaccination this early in their trials. It all is happening so fast and, yes, I’m scared.
Just to clarify, I am not anti-vaccine by any means. I actually am partially vaccinated for covid (a decision that caused a major riff in my family). However, the way that covid and political agendas are dividing the country that I am so proud to call home is entirely unsettling. I made the decision to get the first shot on my own, while it is still my decision… before any government official or corporation comes knocking on my door forcing it into my arm. The fact that we even have to consider that scenario is something that my current nightmares are made of.
Taking the vaccine vs taking my chances with covid are both really shitty options, and I hate both of them deeply to my core. They both come with risks, and to be honest, I don’t know if I made the right choice. I’m still on the fence about getting the second one too. What I do know is that I’m angry. Angry that during this pandemic when we all need answers, the unbiased truth is so hard to find. Is there even such a thing as the unbiased truth anymore?
I worry that the America we once knew is now just a concept we will all grieve until, by some miracle, it is restored for future generations. My kids deserve an even better USA than what we grew up in. Not this cancel-culture, offended, divided country that we’re all being handed on a silver platter. United we stand, divided we fall. Did we all forget that?
They can call it what they will, but I don’t want it. And I’m angry that today’s youth is growing up seeing this as normal. I think no matter what political stance you have, that’s something we can all agree on.
Where We Are Now
On September 4th, Lucy had a horrible day where she experienced two seizures unexpectedly. That was the beginning of the end and the days following were hard. We have since lost our sweet Lucy, and we’ve had to explain to our two-year-old daughter that her best friend won’t be coming home. I’m still battling with the unknown of if she would still be with us if we decided to remove the eye instead of continuing on the antibiotics. We were faced with a problem and neither solution was without risks. It’s a tragic loss for our little family, and we will never forget this gentle angel of a girl.
Unpacking The Mental Load – Jesus, Politics, The Vaccine 
Jesus, Politics, The Vaccine 
Unpacking The Mental Load – Jesus, Politics, The Vaccine
I have decided to take a step back from my role at work and focus more time and energy on raising my children. This decision was not an easy one to make. It was not influenced by covid protocols, and it’s not a closed chapter. We’re still discussing my options and I’m not sure what the remainder of the year will look like for me there. What I do know is that my family is the most important thing in my life, and I want to be as present as I can be at home while the opportunity persists.
When it comes to the state of the world we’re in, my family is setting our differences aside and we’re moving forward agreeing to disagree. The love is still there, and in the end we all want the same thing. Health, happiness, and an America worth handing down to these children we love so much. I sincerely hope that other families and friendships can find some middle ground amidst all the uncertainty. We are only given one life to live. Is it really worth burning bridges just for the sake of being “right”?
My relationship with God is rocky and wavering, but it’s something that’s getting me through. And whether you believe in Him or not, we all need to dig deep for some sort of faith, whatever that means to you. We must have faith that we will get out of this mess and that the future is bright on the other side of it. Don’t lose hope, teach your children right from wrong, love one another, and we’ll get there.
XOXO – Haley
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